When My Nervous System Hit Rock Bottom

I want to be really clear about something, before I tell this story.

My whole life didn't fall apart all at once. It was one shitty decision after another, made from the wrong motivation. These decisons were made while I wasn't choosing myself, or even paying attention to what it was costing me. Nothing was done 'to me'. I played the biggest role in getting myself to where this story starts.

Eleven years ago, I was living in an incredibly unhealthy relationshiip, still in the same state where I grew up. I was stressed to the max. So much so that I had a baseball sized bald spot hidden in my ponytail. I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I had tried mood stabilizers and they made me feel so bad that I stopped taking them.

I had been in therapy since my divorce several years prior. Then I lost my job. With the job went the insurance. I was living off savings and had no idea how long I was going to be without income, so I quit therapy to stretch that money as far as possible.

I wasn't surviving. I was barely existing.

I've seen a chiropractor since early 20's because of an accident and some compression in my spine. I couldn't afford the bill for that either so my back pain was off the charts. I was having migraines again, stress related I'm sure. It was the worst I'd ever felt, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

At the same time, I was running out of options.

I couldn't afford the house I was renting, and I didn't have the money for a security deposit on anything cheaper. There were no jobs to be had where I was living, and I didn't have a realistic next step.

That's when I ran out of options.

So I did the thing that made me feel the most ashamed of myself that I had in a long time. I called my parents and asked them if I could move in with them.

They had moved out of state so it wasn't even really 'going home'. I was really asking if I could move to North Carolina and live in their spare bedroom. I felt humiliated and grieving my independence.

That call took every ounce of courage I had. Only looking back it wasn't courage, it was desperation.

Them opening their home gave me the space I didn't know how to create for myself.

That's when the pattern I couldn't see yet emerged.

At that point in my life, I was staying loyal to situations that weren't healthy for me.

I was making decisions based on other people's best interests, instead of my own. At the time, if felt like responsibilty and obligation. Looking back now, I can see that it was a savior pattern.

My nervous system was completely fried. I was having two or three panic attacks a day. Other than the end of my first marriage, this was the worst period of my life.

The thing I was most ashamed of was needing help.

I spent a really long time choosing other people over my own well-being, and my body eventually hit its limit.

That's when a phone call changed everything.

When I called my Mom it was because I knew something needed to change. Drastically. I knew I needed space from the relationship I was in. I knew I needed a way to make that easier. Moving several hours away gave me space and time, and an excuse to start untangling myself from the decisions I had been making.

Being back with my parents (and working a third shift job) gave me room to breathe. Time to think. The quiet to hear my own thoughts instead of someone else's voice. For the first time in a long time I started to notice the thoughts that were my voice, and the thoughts that were someone elses.

That space and time mattered so much because it also allowed my nervous system to settle just enough for me to start focusing on what I wanted out of life, instead of constantly reacting to what I though other people needed from me.

I needed peace and quiet. And that was enough to start with.

That's when the Medicine Wheel showed up.

About six months after I moved in with my parents, I met my now husband and he introduced me to the medicine wheel. He told me all about how it was the work that helped him heal his PTSD from combat. He had been able to go see fireworks for the first time in years without panicking. As he told me what it did for him, I felt curious and relieved at the same time. It had helped someone I trusted, and that mattered.

What changed, and what didn't.

From the outside looking in my life looks completely different now.

When I finally had my own place again after living with my parents, it was a 900 square foot condo. At the time I didn't believe I deserved even that. I justified it being ok because it was my partners place, but I always felt undeserving.

Now in Virginia I live in a beautiful and spacious house. It's an outward sign of my very different internal relationship with deserving. I know I deserve this house! That internal shift is the important part. The journey from undeserving, to deserving.

The belief that kept me stuck.

Eleven years ago, I genuinely believed that I deserved to suffer. And that belief shaped my life by what I tolerated, how my nervous system responded to stress, and how long I stayed in situations that hurt me.

Today, I know I deserve to thrive!

That's Why I Do This Work Now.

I share all of this because now I have the priveledge of guiding women through this same journey.

When you're not satisfied with your life, when old experiences still cause pain, when your nervous system reacts with fear, anger, freeze, panic, or overwhelm, there is a path forward!

What sparked my signature system, the Quantum Medicine Wheel, it's been proven over and over again. It changed my life. It changed my husband's life. It has helped so many, from my teacher, to the people I trained beside, and now my students and graduates.

This work isn't about fixing you, because you are not broken and you never were. We work together to create enough safety in your body that you can choose something different.

Ready to stop surviviing and start building a life that actually fits you? The Quantum Medicine Wheel is were that work begins. Explore more here with a free resource that helps you quiet your mind, and start gently releasing old memories that don't serve the life you want to live.